MIT: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend." - "Have some fries."

Caltech:"I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend." - "Have some fries."

Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today." - "Have some fries."

Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith." - "Cool! Me too!
Have some fries."

Swarthmore: "I got a B." - "Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have
some fries."

Stanford: "Dude, I got a B." - "Chill dude. Anywhere else it would have
been a C. Have some fries."

Princeton: "My father took away my porsche this weekend." - "Poor dear.
Have some escargot."

Harvard:"Did you do anything this weekend?" - "Nope. Have some fries."

Williams:"Don't I know you?" - "Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."

Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend." - "Bummer. Have some fries."

Vassar: "I'm so stressed and by the way, I'm gay." - "Ditto. Have some fries."

Columbia:"I wish that I could be eating these fries at a better school." -
"Me too. Let's go get shot."

Penn: "I wish that I could be eating these fries at a better school." - "Me
too. Let's transfer to Columbia."

Dartmouth:"Oh, man, I got so trashed this weekend. It was fuckin'
awesome..." - "Have some beer."

Smith:"God I'm desperate." - "Me too. Have some fries."

Tufts:"I wish I were Ivy league." - "Here drink the fry grease."

Bucknell: "Oh my God, I spilled beer all over my J.Crew catalog." - "Here,
look through mine. Have a Bison Burger."

Boston College: "Huh, huh. It's cool being a rich idiot." - "Yeah, yeah,
have some fries."

Emory: "You hear Duke won the NCAA basketball tournament?" - "Listen
dickhead - I told you NEVER to mention Duke - EVER!, give me a coke."

Johns Hopkins: "I killed everyone in my orgo class this weekend." -
"Bummer. Have some fries."

U. of Florida: "I hear another tourist got shot." - "Yeah, sucks. Have
another Bean Burrito."

Georgetown: "I've got five mid-terms tomorrow." - "Yeah, me too. Let's
finish this keg and go laugh at the American U. students."

Univ. Colorado, Boulder: "I O.D'd on Ecstasy last night." - "Bummer. Pass
the Ecstasy."

William & Mary: "Damn, I wish I didn't have to wear this stupid colonial
outfit." - "Me too. Pass the glass-blowing equipment."

U.S. Naval Academy: "Sure wish I had last year's final engineering exam." -
"No kidding. Pass this year's final engineering exam."

Carnegie Mellon U.: "I sure wish we had some women here." - "What are
women? Have some vivarin."