Deep Thoughts Contest

 -- From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate
 "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"

    HONORABLE MENTIONS:

 My young son asked me what happens after we die.  I told him we get
 buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.  I guess I
 should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
 eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.

 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
 birthday, like they do for the queen.  Of course, then we would have a
 lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26,
 just for the long weekends.

 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
 That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
 accident.  No, wait.  That would be good because if anyone needed it,
 the blood would be right there.

 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.  Then
 the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.  That's what
 happens to cheese when you leave it out.

 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

 Once, I wept for I had no shoes.  Then I came upon a man who had no
 feet.  So I took his shoes.  I mean, it's not like he really needed
 them, right?

 I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why
 I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
 clothes on the last day of their life?

 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
 Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of
 his stuff.  Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.

 THIRD RUNNER UP

 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry.  I imagine
 that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of
 water for some tiny cities by the lake.  As the lake gets drier, the
 population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.
 Once there was a big fire and everyone died.

 SECOND RUNNER UP

 I once heard the voice of God.  It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."  Unless it was
 just a lawn mower.

 FIRST RUNNER UP

 I gaze at the brilliant full moon.  The same one, I think to myself,
 at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.  Suddenly, I imagine
 they appear beside me.  I tell Socrates about the national debate over
 one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.
 I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to
 Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution.  I tell Aristotle
 that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a
 periodic table.  I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one.  They
 gasp with wonder.  We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

 WINNER

 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
 peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
 looting started.