HOW TO BE A COOL ASIAN


 1. Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or white
 2. Own an alphanumeric pager with a built in answering machine
 3. Own a cellular phone ....  "   "   "   "      "        "
 4. Have only Asian friends
 5. Speak only in Asian languages
 6. Dress as though you're headed for a party when you're actually going 
to class
 7. If you're a girl, BE SURE TO STUFF YOUR BRA
 8. If you're a guy, BE SURE TO SOUP UP YOUR ACURA INTEGRA
 9. Smoke even if you don't know how to, especially if you're with friends
 10. Travel only in droves of 10 and above to parties
 11. Go to all the cool Asian "intercollegiate parties"!
 12. Refuse to dance to anything but techno music
 13. Whenever in droves of 10 or more Asians, stare menacingly at all
other Asians
 14. Dance in circles at all parties and clubs
 15. If you're a guy, BE SURE TO COP CHEAP FEELS OFF GIRLS YOU LIKE!
 16. If you're a girl, BE SURE TO RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR EACH
     TIME YOU SEE A HOT GUY!
 17. Wear only designer labels
 18. Make sure designer labels are extremely visible.  Better yet, make
     sure that the make is emblazoned on the front of the apparel
 19. Own a pair of Doc Martens
 20. Be very good at pool.  Own a cue stick if you can, even if you know
     nothing about them
 21. Make sure your parents are doctors, or better yet, grocery store owners
 22. BELIEVE IN BARN JACKETS, J. CREW, AND TOMMY HILFIGER
 23. Make sure you install every possible option you can in your car
 24. Own a sports car
 25. Date only  someone that a friend of yours has already dated
 26. Be an officer in the KSA/CSA of your respective school
 27. Be a Christian pretending to actually care about the religion
 28. Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates
 29. If you're a guy, make sure your hair looks like the head of a
     circumsized penis
 30. If you're a girl, make sure your hair is colored with tinges of
brown or red for optimal "coolness"
 31. Two words: Manhattan Portage
 32. If you're a guy, don't be embarassed that your penis is small.
     Instead, simply make sure that its size is inversely related to the
     loudness of your car's engine
 33. If you're a girl, don't be embarassed about your small chest.
     Instead, make sure that  its size is inversely related to the amount
     of make up on your face
 34. If you're a girl, weigh no more than 75 lbs.
 35. If you're Korean girl, have eye surgery done so you can look like a
     goldfish
 36. Date only the people from your own clique, or even "a cooler one"!
 37. If you're in a group of 10 or more friends, stare menacingly at all
     interracial couples you see.
 38. If you're a guy, start having insecurities and complain about the
     "theft" of your women
 39. If you're a girl... well, Asian men never date interracially anyway