*File Description: Religious Jokes*


                        THE FIRST SERMON

The new priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid that he was unable to speak.
Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could
relax.  The Monsignor said, "Put some martinis in the water pitcher.   After
a few sips, you should relax enough and everything should go smoothly."
The next week the young priest put his elder's suggestion into practice and
really talking up a storm.  After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor how he
had done.  The Monsignor replied, "A definite improvement over last week
but I think there are a few things you should learn before you address the
congregation again."

     FIRST:   Next time, sip the martinis rather than gulping them down.

     SECOND:  There are 10 commandments, not 12.

     THIRD:   There are 12 disciples, not 10.

     FOURTH:  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

     FIFTH:   We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his disciples as
             "The late J.C. and the boys."

     SIXTH:   Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a
              peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

     SEVENTH: We do refer to the Cross as the "Big T."

     EIGHTH:  The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as
              "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."

     NINTH:   The recomended grace before Meals AND Communion is NOT
              "RUB-A-DUB-DUB, THANX FOR THE GRUB, YEAH GOD!"

     TENTH:   And last, but not least, it's the Virgin Mary, NOT "Mary with the
              Cherry!!!"

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One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper.  A man was walking
by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!"  The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk
to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish".  So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said
"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught."  The mother superior
said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother
superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".  So the mother superior said
"Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it."  While she was cleaning the
fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish
that the sister caught."  The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't
talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish".  So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and
I'll cook it".  That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table,
and he said  "Wow what a nice fish".   And the sister said "I caught the
goddamn fish."  And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish".  And
the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish".  And the new priest said:
"I like this fucking place already!"

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The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope.  Grumpy, for once,
seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about
the church, and in particular, nuns.
        "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
        "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
        "Are you sure?  I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say,
         about my height?  Maybe a little shorter?"
        "I'm afraid not.  Why do you ask?"
        "No reason."  Pause.  "Positive?  Nobody in a habit that's about
         three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
        "I'm sure."
        "Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.
So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
        "What'd he say?  What'd he say?"  chant the other six dwarfs.
        Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
        And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin!  Grumpy
        fucked a penguin!  Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....