Short Jokes: --------------- What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, And you'll have no clothes to wear If we don't do laundry right now!" What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW! --------------- The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere." The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, and after you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm. ----------------- Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. ----------------- At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." ------------------------ After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." ----------------------- A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifiedS: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." ----------------------- The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?" ----------------------- When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. ------------------------------------------ Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. * Jackie Mason ======================= Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. ------------------- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." ---------------------- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. ---------------------- Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." ----------------------- A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire." ----------------------- "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it." ----------------------- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. ----------------------- If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. ----------------------- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. ----------------------- You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she. ---------------------- During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener." ----------------------- Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention. ------------------------ According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing. ------------------------- Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what? ------------------------- My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. ------------------------- How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. ------------------------- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. -------------------------- Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute. -------------------------- First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." --------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.