TOP TEN SIGNS NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR VALENTINE

10. Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you

 9. Fox is starting a new show about you: "America's Least Wanted"

 8. You get a heart-filled box filled with angry hornets

 7. The babes just don't seem to go for your homemade Star Trek uniform

 6. You're taking private tutorials with Joycelyn Elders

 5. You have one of them handsome Ito beards -- and you're a woman

 4. The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower Administration

 3. You spend your vacation chasin' lizards

 2. The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy

 1. You ain't a Gingrich, but your nickname's "Newt"