Subject: Darth Vader delivers Commencement Address to Vassar '99

Darth Vader gives a commencement address......


Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vassar College class of '99...

In a Galaxy far far away, you were know as the Seven Sisters.

Today I will talk to you about the choices I have made in my life to give
you a chance to join me.  Embrace the Dark Side!

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, The Dark Side would be it.
The long-term benefits of The Dark Side have been proved by the Dark Lords
of The Sith.  You are young and may question the authority that such Lords
convey doubting as ever because you are young and untried.  But you need
look no further than my own meandering cruelty and conquests for abundant
proof of the power of the Dark Side.  I am the living and powerful proof.

Here is my advice..

Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet.  NOW.  You will never understand
the power and the beauty of your planet after the Empire has destroyed it in
a futile attempt to find the Rebel Base.  But trust me, in twenty years, you
will look back at photos of your home and recall, in a way you can't grasp
now, how blissfully ignorant you were, and how fabulous
your planet really looked before it was a pile of burning space rubble.

Your planet is not as dull as you imagine.

Don't worry about the Rebellion.  We will crush them.  If you must worry,
know that worrying is as effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a
landspeeder.  The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never
crossed your mind.  Years of serving the Dark Side let me understand what to
worry about.  Worry about some hick with a x-wing fighter making direct hit
into your reactor core at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.

Do in one Death Star officer every day.

Scheme.

Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey
yours.

Hate.

Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers. They can't hit the broad side of a
barn.

The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself.  And your idiot
son.  And bratty daughter.

Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings of your weasily
upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old light saber, but change your costume slightly with every
sequel.

Destroy.

Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side.
Feel the Force.  The most interesting people I know didn't have any respect
at age 22 for their victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year
olds I know still don't.

Have plenty of minions.  They are all expendable.  Remember, there are
always more where they came from.

Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.  Maybe your wife will be a "princess",
but she will never match up to you Mom.  Maybe your son will join you, maybe
he won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and
assist you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll become a
braless rebel leader with bad hair and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself
either. Your destiny is guided by the Force. So is everybody else's.

Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what
other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to destroy a
planet is insignificant next to its power.

Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.

Listen to what the Emperor has foreseen, even if you don't follow his
prophecies.

Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly.  And vulnerable.

Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be your
arch enemies.

Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your Jedi lineage and
the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future.

Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should
keep from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography
and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more you will need
to send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you.

Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot.

Live on Tattooine once, but leave before you get heat stroke.

Travel. Preferably in your own custom TIE Fighter.

Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial Senate
will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll
fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed, the Imperial
Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their Emperor.

 Respect your Emperor.

Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you. Maybe he'll give in to
his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll never know when he'll
whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning to the Light Side and
saving his sorry butt.

Don't strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will become more powerful than
you could possibly imagine.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it, or
I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia.  Dispensing it is a
way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting
black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for more than its
worth.

But trust me on the Dark Side.