The Modern Man's Guide to Understanding His Wife
 
 Wife Speak                                  English Equivalent
 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 I need                                     I want

 We Want                                    I want
 
 It's your decision                         The right decision should be
                                            obvious by now
 
 Do what you want                           You'll pay for it later
 
 We need to talk                            I need to complain
 
 Sure...go ahead                            I don't want you to go

 I'm Hungry                                 Make me somthing to eat OR
                                            stop what you are doing,
                                            scrape together your last
                                            $$, and go drive across
                                           town and get me something
                                            to eat, I don't care if 
                                            what you are doing is 
                                            important.
 
 I'm not upset                              Of course I'm upset you moron!
 
 You're certainly attentive                 Is sex all you ever think
 tonight                                    about.
 
 I am not emotional!!!                      I'm having my period and I'm
                                            over reacting!
 
 Be romantic, turn out the lights           I have flabby thighs
 
 The kitchen is so inconvenient             I want a new house
 
 The car is empty                           Go fill it up
 
 The trash is full                          Take the garbage out
 
 The dog is barking                         Go outside in you underwear
                                            and see what is wrong
 
 I want new curtains                        And carpeting, and furniture
                                            and wallpaper, and......
 
 I need wedding shoes                       the other 40 pair are the
                                            wrong shade of white
 
 Hang the picture there                     NO!! I mean hang it THERE!
 
 I heard a noise                            I noticed you were almost
                                            asleep
 
 Do you love me?                            I'm going to ask for something
                                            expensive
 
 How much to you love me?                   I did something today you're
                                            really not going to like.
 
 
                   IN ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?"
 
 Nothing                                    Everything
 
 Everything                                 My PMS is acting up
 
 Nothing, really                            It's just that your're such
                                            an asshole
 
 I don't want to talk about it              Go away, I'm still building up
                                            steam.